I'm trying to hold on to illusion of stability I have so painstakingly created around me.
The reality is gnawing away at it and as the time goes by, that illusion of mine is starting to look more like a cloth attacked by moths. I hold on to it knowing that soon it will fall apart.
B. is going to Switzerland.
He had 11 interviews he told me nothing about and then accepted the job offer. He came home one day and joyfully announced that he's leaving in four weeks. Forever.
On top of everything else that has been going on in my life in the last few months, this was the straw that broke the camels back.
I confided in someone I trust but other than elevating the pain of bottling everything in, it didn't help. I've been trying to talk with B. and even managed to get some information out of him but it looks bleak. I don't think we will survive this. I don't know if I will.
I'm walking around with my heart bleeding, yet everything is so annoyingly normal. It doesn't even rain that much. We behave as if nothing happened. I come to work every day and fulfill my duties. I still look for another job. I still spend time at home with B. There are dinners, teas and coffees, chats, TV and plans for the weekend. This weekend we're going to Galway and to see the Cliffs of Moher, a dream of which has lured me to Ireland in first place.
Sometimes I wish it didn't.
Sometimes I wish I could shove B. off of one of them cliffs.
Sometimes I wish I could shove myself off of one.
All this, me quitting smoking, loosing weight, studying, running a website and generally trying to be best I can... all for what? A friend who stopped talking to me, partner who leaves me for a job in another country and family scattered across Europe, one per city. Mounting bills, rubbish job and way to much to worry about than should be allowed for one person. Sure, I'm having a major not-good-enough moment!
And, as I'm thinking about it, I can't blame B. for leaving.
I wish I could leave all of this now and move, start all over again.
Southern France would be nice.
Or a bottom of a cliff, perhaps.