3 min read

Exorcisims scheduled aka no more DIY

I now announce the chest of drawers in my room is a creation of Evil or it has been transported there by a group of minor Demons who thought it would be amusing to watch me struggle with it.

Well it's not! Not Funny!
Instrument of Evil standing there in the corner with drawers hanging out due to broken rails! (that are plastic - what were you thinking, you idiot, who invented that?!). Lurking in the shadows, unmovable massive useless creation of a mad carpenter! May you be damned! I do regret the very moment I thought I could fix you!

So I went to Woodies DIY and bought sandpaper, screws, carpenters glue and a small hand saw. I asked my friend to cut for me a few pieces of wood so I could replace the useless plastic rails and make the drawers usable again. All that took a while, day by day my clothes started to pile up higher and higher, since I no longer was able to put them in the drawers were they belonged.

I was determined to get it all fixed as soon as possible. I spent one afternoon measuring the chest and the drawers and it became apparent that my battens of wood are to long. I took the time to cut each and every one of the 12 pieces cut o size and sanded. I drilled holes in the wooden pieces to prepare them for the screws with a drill that weighed way to much for my fragile hands.

On the second afternoon I removed the plastic rails from the chest of drawers and got the screws, the wooden battens and the glue ready. I applied the glue on the first one, pushed it in place... and it fell off. I pushed it in again with one hand, with the second hand I reached for the screw, with the third hand for a screwdriver, with fourth...
I somehow managed to screw the first screw in... partially. The screws were to long.

Silly me. Why oh why I dared to think it will all work at the fist time?!

On the third afternoon I went to Woodies again and bough shorter screws. Went home. Screwed the wooden splinters in, just two, for the first drawer, I wanted to see it working again.

It didn't fit.

I'm serious, it didn't fit, the damned battens were to wide.

I'm calm now, but you should've see me then. I almost broke my foot on the bloody thing. Yes, of course I was kicking it.

I unscrewed the battens and went to cut off 2-3 mm of each of them. I managed to deal with four. I broke three. I cut my fingers. Don't get me wrong, I'm really good at these things, thanks to my mad family - but did you ever try to cut off 2 mm of a piece of wood 10 mm by 10 mm 250 mm in length? That means trying to split a very narrow rather long thing into two pieces of 7x10x250 mm and 2x10x250 mm.

So, hours later, I had 9 battens of which 4 rather narrow and rather uneven and in hope it will do I went to screw them in again. It didn't do.

The level of my frustration can be only expressed with a loud AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

You Demons from Hell who sent this bloody item towards me. May I get my splinter ridden hands on you and I promise to you that I will go to hell just to cut you in tiny 10x7x250mm pieces with a handsaw no matter how long it will take! The damned thing! Not only it can't be fixed. It can't be easily removed. I will exorcise it and burn it on stake! I will grab a massive axe and put it to pieces!

You DIY fans! You people who think you can fix things! I warn you! The moment you think for just a moment that you will not succeed and you will fail - you're right! Ge yourself a cup of tea and watch some TV, unless you want to end up like me.

Now, 3 afternoons later, 20 euro poorer, sweaty, tired and beaten up I give up. I will argos a new chest of drawers. I have no monies, but that's what I'll do. And I will burn the damned chest of drawers from hell. At least we will have a nice fire.

May may, I do feel better now, after getting all this emotion out of me.