I wrote a note about friendship before and yet again I was proven right. I would certainly prefer not to be proven right all the time but seems that life has decided to kick me as much as it possibly can this year.
A "friend" of mine came up online today after nearly a year of silence. Last year I called him when he forgot my birthday for the first time in history; he promised to call again and never did. So we started to chat... and in the third line he informed me he was married.
Married. There was a wedding that I didn't know about and wasn't invited to. A wedding of someone who I considered a true friend - you know, of the type that would help to move a body and only ask how deep should he dig. Or so I thought. Ha! Five years ago I thought I would be the one marrying him (although I would need to put up with the laughing), not some unknown to me divorcée with a kid. When our relationship broke apart we vowed to make an appearance on each other's weddings. It looks there were just empty words, just like a word "friend" sounds to me right now.
Later in the week I meet K. for a few drinks and poured my heart out to her. She said this is not unusual, this is just how life is. People will just go on without me whether I like it or not. Of course I don't.
Needless to say I decided to never speak to the untrue friend again, never mind if it's just the way life is. He seems perfectly happy without me and I prefer to keep away from things and people who hurt me so it's a perfect win-win scenario. Only I'm a bit disillusioned with the world and would gladly just get off of it this instant; if you can't trust a man who you have known for ten years, you can not trust anyone and frankly I don't really want to live in a world without trust.
As I was saying this to K. I suddenly realised that somehow everyone is happy now except for me. I'm the only one spoiling the picture. All old friends have moved on and are happy with their lives - or so it seems. Luna's back with my step dad, my sister is getting married (again) and other sister is pregnant with a baby she wanted for so long. Even those of friends and family who are not facing life changing moments are happy. Maybe not blissful but content. It's just me: burdened with weltschmerz and miserable.
And I can't quite remember a time when I was truly happy anymore.
No, this sounds too miserable even for me. Maybe: I vaguely recollect that there was a time when I thought I was being happy but I don't remember how it feels.
Now of course Freud would probably have a lot to say on this and on my desperate efforts to loose weight, quit smoking, de-clutter and move country. I think he would say I need change. I think he would say that I am trying to be better me so that bad things would stop happening to me and I could be happy again.
He would be right.
And guess what? It's not working. Bad things come anyway and I am starting to wonder if it's a punishment or preparation - you know with all the what won't kill you. etc.
If the latter I am afraid to ask what for.