I woke up this morning to the sound of the breaking on my heart
I woke up this morning to find out the world, I knew has fallen apart
All the birds are screaming, shut them down, shut them down, down
Stormy clouds are falling, move them round, move them round, round
Maybe ,there's a way we could lose this pain
Break free, push rewind, play it all again.
Anita Lipnicka and John Porter "Old Time Radio"
Rare visitors to this site might have complained that I haven't written anything in a week.
That's not entirely true.
I have written a lot, only none of that was worth posting. I read through it all later and all the posts were rather angry, sad and disappointed. That's not the stuff I want to write here.
Sure my life has been rather difficult lately. Last six months in fact were plain awful. I've been dissatisfied with my life, angered by the situations that kept coming up, upset at friends, family and my partner for what I felt as them not givin' a phuk about my problems. Sure they don't. Why would they?
Over last two days I have spent a great deal of time in emotional house of pain and suffering. I got turned down for a job that I thought was rightfully mine, I could not focus on my studies and on top of that B. just kept saying the wrong things. I couldn't sleep. I felt rubbish and that wasn't even the worst: I didn't quite know why I felt like that. Sure, the combination of everything falling apart was bad enough, but this was not the first time, I have the coping mechanisms for the usual crap. Something else was going on and I just couldn't put a finger on it. Why am I so angry?
I'm angry because I'm not doing what I'm meant to.
Not: man, I have to do groceries, clean the toilet, wash the dishes
Rather: I should devote my life to all things that I am about.
I've been living lie, my dear friends.
My life is all about doing the things that I'm told I should be doing while I secretly prepare for the "Real Thing". I read about what I should be doing, I train, test myself, learn stuff and secretly plant seeds for the future. Only I don't water them, because I'm actually afraid that I might succeed.
This is the ultimate truth about me that I suddenly discovered. I've been living a lie because I was scared of myself.
I should let the insane part of me rule the world. I should let my bête noire loose for this is who I am and FREUD WAS RIGHT. You can't ignore your shadows: you need to accept them. I should write more. I should devote my life to art. I should be creative because this is who I am.
Now, this sudden realisation is a final step of a process that took over a year... and maybe it should've taken that long, and maybe I needed these three weeks of unemployment to take that final step, maybe that was it. Maybe I needed to take the harder path to get where I am now?
I suddenly feel free. And very grateful. And full of purpose.
I think it is appropriate to thank few people who knowingly or not pushed me there:
Luna for being the most creative and crazy person I know who dared to follow what she really wanted and for all the hard work she's put and continues to put in raising me.
- B. for being there through the hard times and for saying all the wrong things - thanks to him I found what I believe in by opposition
- Malwina, my older sis, for following her dreams and showing me that it is possible - even if it takes some starving
Gosia, my little sis, for loving me unconditionally - even if I'm really crap in showing that I love her too - and for standing up for me.
- Anne for helping me realise what life in an office can do to a creative person in the long run. Love you babes, go back to writing.
- John Wren, fantastic painter who gets by on pennies for the last years birthday card that sums up his philosophy: Life's Grand, Baby.
- Maria Głowaty, my former maths teacher for challenging me to go on. I should've listened to her more.
- Jacek, my step father, for making me a stronger person and for teaching me the proper use of words like "dichotomy" and "osmosis"
- Rhonda Byrne for publishing "The Secret" that I stumbled upon in an airport bookshop
- Lewis Hyde for "The Gift" and "The Trickster" two wonderful books that have verbalised my complaint with the world in scientific terms and made me realise what I already subconsciously knew. Genius.
- Bob Jones for linking his blog to the LinkedIn account - that I read and realised that he does that for a living from some warm spot in Australia; I've met Bob somewhere in 2005, if he can do it, so can I
- Chris Guillebeau for the awesome job he does in being remarkable person :) and for being the last straw that broke the camels back - he does with his life exactly what I always wanted to do and never thought possible
- Leo Babauta from Zen Habits for showing me how to declutter my life, one closet at a time. Still working on it. Also, for the link to Chris' website of Unconventional Guides.
- My Cyber Stalker for reminding me that I'm not entirely useless ;) in time when it was pretty hard to believe.
.. and others that overall contributed to me becoming who I am today. For today, my friends, new chapter of my life begins. I might not get there straight away, but now I know where I'm going!
This is so exciting!