I am utterly miserable with my work at the moment.
There is my self-loathing part that assumes there has to be something wrong with me and tries to find a solution based on this, looking for a change of behaviour or a change of attitude.
There is also my defiant part that refuses to accept that it’s my fault and looks for evidence for the contrary.
There is a third part of me, my introspective instrument, that looks at the fight between the two parts mentioned before with great interest and notes down the score.
For the first time ever the balance between the self-loathing and the defiant part shifts.
Before, the self-loathing part would always win, suppressing the defiant part which all resulted with a lot of unexpressed anger sitting within me and a vague feeling of injustice.
Now the defiant part is winning. There isn’t anything wrong with me, actually, there is a lot wrong with the other people. Changing attitude will help, but on the long run the feeling of injustice will never subside. I slowly succumb into righteous anger and I find that I can draw an enormous amount of strength from it.
While somewhere there I still feel miserable, I no longer make myself more miserable by questioning myself, no, I get angry at the people who make me miserable and function much better.
Or do I?